Eternal Quest

2011-07-18T06:15:00.003+05:30

My little Teacher...

I was blessed with a baby girl last Nov, and she is already 8 months old. Just didn't realize how these last few months flew by! Its amazing to watch her grow. But this post is not about all the cute little things she does (they are beyond words!), it is about what she is making me learn and realize...

Discipline : I think, after first 2-3 semesters of Masters, I have again started tracking my day by mins! Before Aadya was born, there was a time when sometimes I had to think - what to do? (standard question specially on Friday evening!). Now, my calendar is pretty much full even before I realize. Its not just about maintaining her schedule. Amazingly, all my activities are now tuned to her timings! Simple example, on weekends I used to be completely laid back. If I didn't have to go out, I didn't care for a bath till late in the day. Now, nope! I don't have that liberty anymore.. or else a lot of other things will break in the chain! So, I am being disciplined.

Responsibility : I guess, this goes without saying. Not that I was too irresponsible earlier, but she is keeping me even more aware. May it be about keeping her meals ready on time, or maintaining the floor clean (now that she crawls around!). Always that hat has to be on!

Patience : I am damn sure I must have grown pretty high on this index in these last few months :)

Empathy : This is the best of all! I am now looking at the world through her eyes and believe me it looks even more beautiful and exciting. Just watching a cycle man from the balcony or the bird flapping its wings to soar in the sky or even the tender movement of the indoor plant when soft wind blows around... everything looks new, looks wonderful! She is helping me feel and enjoy these small little things, which otherwise I wouldn't even register. Its like exploring the world all over again (this time probably with a conscious appreciation). Every time I play peek-a-boo with her, she responds back with a big grin or a giggle and I think.. life is nothing less than a miracle!

2010-03-29T09:46:00.004+05:30

Can it even be considered as an Option?

I am currently reading a book and this female character in it is hell-bent on becoming immortal. Even if you love someone so much, that you would want to be with that person forever, can still immortality be something which you would consider? It got me thinking...

I believe, the whole excitement about being alive, about existing, stems from the very basic knowledge - unalterable fact that it is a finite time affair. Imagine, you are looking at a picturesque landscape, standing on a hill top. If it is me, I would definitely be thrilled and excited about it. I would like to absorb as much of it as possible through my senses, not knowing how long it will last or whether I would get to see it again. Having experienced such moments for quite a few times, I would say that the excitement is to a great extent associated with the finiteness of the experience. Had I known that I have an eternity to keep looking at it, will I be that thrilled any more?

It is this basic reasoning that makes me wonder how can the thought of being able to exist forever thrill someone? We have stories from Hindu mythology where kings aspired for immortality. Lets say even if the wish was granted, for how long will that keep one happy? Some or the other finite year-month-day you will have exhausted all the possible 'things to do', you will have mastered all the possible qualities, assuming you used your time in the best possible ways, accumulated immense wealth and power, everything best, whatever can be imagined! Then what? What next? There will be no competition left, no aspiration, no envy, no curiosity, no anxiousness, no boundaries to cross, no thrill and hence you'll have eternity of boredom in front of you! Lets say even if you have the love of your existence with you, wont that thing you share between each other also lose its charm the moment it gets stamped as 'Eternal'? - You would have lost the meaning of it 'coz you wont be able to experience any of the contrasting emotions any longer. Its like a story without an end! Will anyone want to read it? I guess, life with all its beauties, enthralls and excites each one of us only because of the fact deep imprinted in our minds - "This has an end!"

Even if we put some faith in the concept of rebirth and imagine having a life after life and another one.. and another one, it is still not the same! We always get a clean slate to start with. Then I come to think of the soul - it never dies, lets believe. But it cannot experience any feelings or expressions until it fills into a physical form. So technically, it's being eternal doesn't count as long as it has to follow the regular cycle.

Now, coming back to a single life span, as we know, this finiteness brings in limitations. There will always be something which I didn't get to do in one life span. Say, I missed something or got it all wrong. This will keep we wanting to live more. I might sound like a sadist here, but I believe this partial fulfillment is the crux. It is the key to happiness - its like as long as you know there's something more to do, something more to achieve you are happy, you are hopeful! And thats why the end is a necessity. It is one of the essentials to keep us happy about this whole 'existing' business.

2010-03-11T15:05:00.001+05:30

When you feel it inside...

Again I had that feeling, that typical weightless, blankness very much close to the 'suspended from a hook, ready to take in all that comes' type of feeling.. just that this time I was standing back-stage, waiting for our announcement. All my dance partners were holding hands, nervous and exited. Even I was, but there was also a kind of "still", a sort of a "silence" and that was surprising me. I was sure, I had felt the same before, yet couldn't figure it out at that moment.

Our name was announced and we all performed with all smiles and enthusiasm. After the last pose we all bowed and started walking back towards the wings. That was when I actually started realising what it meant.

I was appeased! I had always been - after every performance in school, university, I had felt that "High". This time I was grown up enough to understand it! I was pleased within and that was making everything else silent in me! I was just happy to Be!

2009-12-27T18:51:00.007+05:30

मी गातो एक गाणे...

"रात लाजुनिया गेली, दिले पहाट बहाणे
पाना-पानात ठेवले तिने दवाचे उखाणे"

Its amazing how Sandeep creates magic with sheer imagination! Just follow the words and you enter into a totally enchanting, mesmerizing world!

"आळसावल्या नदीची अशी मोहक वळणे
वेड लावित नभाला तिचे स्वतःत नहाणे"

"तुझ्या डोळ्यातल्या रानी असे रानभरी होणे
अशा वनात कबूल आम्हा वनवासी होणे"

Romance, at a totally different level! :)
Hats off to you Sir! Keep the good work flowing in, we want more!

2009-12-27T17:26:00.005+05:30

विश्वारंभापासून येथे नांदत आहे गाणे...

आभाळाचे, दरी-शिखरांचे, निळ्या नद्यांचे गाणे
विश्वारंभापासून येथे नांदत आहे गाणे

अग्निच्या ज्वाळांतुन फूलते लवलव लपलप गाणे
वेळूच्या वार्यातुन झुलते मंजुळ मुरली गाणे
पाण्यामधुनी वाहात असते अवखळ खळखळ गाणे
वीज नभाची गाउन जाते कडाड कडकड गाणे
महाभुतांच्या ह्रुदयांतरीही अमीट असते गाणे,
विश्वारंभापासून येथे नांदत आहे गाणे

हसण्याचेही होते गाणे, फसण्याचेही गाणे
असण्याचेही असते गाणे, नसण्याचेही गाणे
आनंदाचे खजीने आन्दण अन दुख्खाला देते कोंदण,
सदैव रुंजी घालत आहे मनीमानसी गाणे

- संदीप खरे

2009-08-19T20:23:00.003+05:30

Creativity of the Subconscious...(6)

I am at the Quarterly event of my company and as usual it had to be full of fun and excitement. We were at the terrace of a pretty tall building. There was some kind of a big setup there - a projection out into the air, some sort of a swing! Each of us had to take this ride, buckle-up to the hook and take a big swing.. wohho!! Going outwards was easy. To get oneself back on the terrace again was the real adventure. If you cant manage to come back with enough force, chances were that you would remain there suspended for ever! Probably this was not enough, for the second round we had to carry another team member on the same ride, just like those circus guys!!!

Oh God! I could hear my teammates cheering me.."Yes, you can do it!" My immediate thought was - who is light enough here? Whom can I carry if I had to? ;) I was just thinking of this and looking around when I saw Khizer smiling at me!

.. and I woke up with the same smile. What a dream! I found it a little strange then, 'coz Khizer and I don't work in the same company any more.

But thinking of it now I can completely figure this out. Few days back I was watching some show on discovery about the best amusement parks around the world. That's the reason for that swing and all jing bang. But there were two other very prominent messages there:
1st - Its been a long time I haven't spoken to this wonderful friend of mine. I have to speak to him now and look, what an opening line I've got here! :P
2nd - Is it already time for next quarterly? let me check with G3 :)

2009-07-12T16:46:00.001+05:30

Unbearable Lightness of Being...

Disclaimer: This post is not a review of the above mentioned book. The book is a great piece of work by Milan Kundera, but this post doesn't really talk about it except the Title and its basic idea.

'Unbearable Lightness of Being' - The first time I read this phrase, I said, 'How true!' It was the most concise way of putting the thought that has always troubled me.

Throughout my teenage I kept asking a question to myself and sometimes to others - Whats the purpose of my Life? In fact, what is the purpose of Existence? I remember myself writing somewhere - "Life, of all the things, cannot be left unreasoned. There has to be one, strong enough to drive the entire force."

The answers I got were hard to accept. I kept pondering over them for a long time. Life cannot be meaningless, otherwise it would all be a waste - a negative, which it cannot be. So if it is positive, it cannot be a burden. Hence in due course of time I came to terms with the idea that Existence is light, weightless and the Purpose is to live It with this realization.

Now this second part is what I call unbearable - Living with the realization that existence is light. Even if I know what I know, it is immensely difficult to actually implement. We are so used to associating ourselves with our ambitions, pride, status, that I say, "this is what I am" and suddenly my life becomes heavy, carrying the weight of all that I strive for. If I try to disassociate myself from all these then I think - Whats the point if nothing really matters!

I guess there is a subtle difference between 'what I am' and 'what I exist as'. Let me work more on this thought...

2008-08-11T20:50:00.001+05:30

Ironic...

History has proved it over and over and it still prevails. People who are different, who eventually change the course of history are the ones who receive hatred and ridicule through out. Those heads that define a purpose and try to achieve it, are the ones who are labeled "freaks". They who build the world are the ones left alone by the world.

We all do it, knowingly or unknowingly and almost everyday! If someone introduces a new process, our first instinct is to say No. If someone is prompt in his work, we call him "fanatic". If one likes to keep things in order, we call her "crazy". If one wants things to be done right and proper, we say she is asking for too much. It looks like these are minor things, something to make fun of. But they are not. Inside, each one of us knows its dark reality (in a rude way we mock our own incapability and complexes) and real extent. We have this unique capacity to build in shame in a born righteous.

Why is it so difficult to accept that people can think different? Why cant we appreciate intelligence, in the face of it? Why is expecting perfection, asking for too much? Why is a mediocre mind more confident to speak out loud and gain compliance? What makes incompetency a virtue? How can a common belief, though incorrect, turn down biggest of ideas? Whats the force that makes it stand so firm? Does this strength arise from the cumulative of all commons? I guess it builds itself on the foundations of insecurity, cowardice and sloth. Conformity is an easy escape, almost always.

And then we long for a radical change. We hopelessly hope for someone to bring this in (which again we know clearly, is not feasible). Secretly, all of us long for a Super-Hero. But do we really deserve one? Why should we get one when we cant recognize and appreciate the bits of him that are spread all around us!

2008-07-18T22:07:00.010+05:30

Smiles all the way...

Today was a special day for some of those cute little faces and twinkling eyes, who had happily wished me, every time I visited them. It was their chance today, to come and peek into my world, feel the enthusiasm and get inspired to reach for it!

Today, on the occasion of 40th anniversary of my company, we had organized sports day for Bellandur govt school students at our campus grounds. With their heads held high and their hearts pumping fast with excitement, they marched from their school and assembled at the new ground in our campus. They had a warm welcome from all the volunteers, most of them proudly wearing "the Blue" and their number giving a proof that we do care!

The event started with a small march-past on the rhythm of well co-ordinated drums. Even the grown-ups couldn't resist the temptation to get back to those sweet, old school days!

Next lined-up were the various sports and games like 100 mts race, one stump cricket, skipping, lemon & spoon and short-put. I was all excited and promptly noting down winners for these games. Winners were all charged-up and everyone was having great fun. Every time some kid came running to me and told me how he/she won, I could feel the call - we are the ones, just give us a chance! I could only smile in acceptance.

In between the games, the students were divided into batches and given a tour to our company's Innovation Lab. It was indeed a great inspiration and a life-time experience for the kids.

Individual games were further followed by a team event - Kho-Kho for girls as well as boys. The entire atmosphere was charged up with loads of energy and competition!

After the lunch, goodies were distributed on the ground before walking up all the kids to the cafeteria for prize distribution ceremony. There again, they were thrilled to get some more surprise gifts. Next, they were served snacks and the proud winners were announced and handed over trophies with lots of applause.

There was a live band performing at the cafeteria, to entertain these young visitors. The band with their peppy numbers quickly cheered-up the tired little bodies and made them hit the floor, literally! Seeing those lively faces and jumpy feet, I think, today I actually saw their hearts sing... "udta hi firun in hawaon mein kahin.. ek kardu aasama aur jammen!"

(PS: Picture taken by a colleague)

2008-06-18T22:35:00.001+05:30

Thought over a thought...

Yesterday I heard someone from a nearby cube say, ".... we are already serving a life sentence!" That, sort of philosophical retort, just caught my attention. The deeper implication of what he said is probably true to some extent, but its literal meaning, constrained within the language limits, painted a dark and depressing image right away. "Is it that bad?", I asked myself. With that very question, I had another one, "is it 'bad' in the first place?" It got me thinking...

There's so much happening around us. But I guess what happens within us is the real guiding force that creates our perception of the world outside. What we see, is so much the reflection of what we feel and most importantly what we think. Our thoughts decide the course of our actions and therefore ultimately influence our attitude, perspective, beliefs... everything!

I have experienced this often. If I am troubled by some thought, everybody around seems to be adding to that trouble. On the contrary, if I am happy and excited, the world just appears to be all kind and helping and that further adds up to my morale. Its not just me, I have observed this with lots of other people, friends, colleagues, family members. We all do it! Since childhood, we have been building our own world(by this I mean our own impression of the people and things around). Just that its become so natural that we've lost the distinction as to what causes what.

How I wish, I had this awareness right from my birth! But still, its not difficult. These days I started experimenting a little. If I start getting angry very often or start cribbing about how bad things are going around, the moment I realize this irritation, I try to figure out what is the thought within me that's causing this. Quite often its not difficult to find. It speaks out loud and clear and most of the times it turns out to be Me - I am not happy with myself. Even if its someone else at the front, if I go deeper below, I see myself playing the over-expecting, demanding or indifferent character. Sometimes its not the immediate incident, its a chain and again, I sit at the root of it. When I get myself till this realization, I am already cooled down. The surging emotions get a check and I get a clear picture of the situation. Sometimes there's also regret (Again, this is not to be taken as self-blame, its just taking the ownership/responsibility of actions/reactions happening around me). Otherwise, if its really not my doing, I can clearly detach and it will no longer bother me. But the moment I become aware/conscious of this, everything around which was wrong till then, gets back to normal.

But this doesn't happen always so easily. There are times when I do realize but still the thought is so strong that I have to fight a lot against it. I have not really attained that self-control and awareness where I can quickly realize and get out of that troubling mood. But I strongly believe that consciously, if I keep up this experiment it will gradually become a practice.

Why I find this important is: it not only keeps me calm and poised, it improves my thought quality. When I think, I think clean!

Its amazing the way just one thought can influence our entire outlook. Being aware of this very fact, is the key. If we can watch our thought-chain, we can not only control our interactions with others but also channelize the entire flow towards building a healthy environment around us. There's lot of scope for self-experimentation here. We talk about the unexplored potentials of a human mind, but even before that, we have so many things we already know, to be explored and experimented right.

Coming back to where I started, agreed, we are not here by choice (or may be we did choose). But I believe, This journey is The purpose and we are already empowered with the means. There's lot of right potential reserved and built in us. We have our minds, completely free to innovate and experiment! Therefore, I would rather say, "Its an honor to serve this life sentence!"

2008-01-21T22:18:00.000+05:30

Spaghetti

Its been crazy time since I switched continents. Going through so many different moods, ideas, contemplations, I am here yet to completely realize what I am getting myself into. So many things happened in one go, its hard to believe! It sounds fun sometimes and yet another moment its all chaos.

Just few months back, I was relaxing in my cozy little room, happily watching 2-3 movies everyday. My day used to begin with xkcd/reader and a cup of coffee and end with joox. Sometimes I used to fear if this is going to land me in trouble. So, when I got done with school, I was happy to get a little busy! Ahh! But how busy?? Since then I feel I am just running! Marraige, Job, House hunt, settling....There was absolutely no time to just wait and think a bit. Everyday was a mission day!

Some days were really easy, no struggle, no headaches! All the things used to fall in place somehow. Those nights I used to have a blissful sleep! On the contrary some days were meant to try my patience! How much ever I try to be calm and composed, some or the other thing would go wrong and would leave me scratching my head in frustration!

Sometimes I used to just feel confused and full of doubts. Whats happening? Is this worth it? What next? With so many new faces around me, I used to just wonder like a lost kid. Reactions just happened but inside I felt there's a spaghetti of thoughts, trying hard to unwind. Joy, fear, curiosity, anxiety, confusion all in one pack! It used to drive me crazy!

But gradually things are under control I guess! I am settled up both at work and at home. There's more that I want to do on the home front, decor, furniture etc. But I'll do it piece by piece at my own pace..no hurry! Hush! Finally can break for a while! Hopefully thoughts will also!

Later when I'll think of last 2-3 months, I think I will have a good collection for a refreshing laugh!

2007-12-18T08:48:00.000+05:30

Expressions...

It was supposed to be just another walk along the beach, being it too late for any water sport. Ashish and I got out of our resort, the backside of which just extended into the Patong beach (Phuket, Thailand). It was getting silent with all umbrellas turned down (during the day time, if you see the view from above, it looked like a multi-colored necklace along the sea-line). Suddenly out of nowhere, there was this guy offering us his Jet-skii for a ride. It was a tempting deal, specially at that time of the day! I looked at Ashish and there was the same twinkle in his eyes!

In no time we were both heading inwards into the sea, away from the beach! There was a cruise at some distance, and my first thought was.. lets reach up there! Earlier the waves were a little too annoying (to be honest, scary!), probably because of the shallow waters (and also because of the fact that we were new at it! :P). But after going in for a while it was fine. With waves splashing at our feet and the sea breeze brushing hard at our faces, together we were on for the ride!

The Sun was almost about to take its leave for the day, leaving behind its traces over the ever enchanting canvas! With those melting colors of orange and red, the sky was taking its own philosophical shade of blue. All other shapes around, were wrapping up in shadows, preparing for a new show. As if, each existence around was saying "Good-bye for now!" in its own unique way!

Then we watched the Sun go down! Even at that speed, it felt so calm and peaceful. Our spirits lifted, both with thrill and content, there was so much we could feel, but no words could put it right and good enough. We just kept silent. I guess, that was the best expression we could have had to acknowledge The Moment!

(Picture: Patong Beach from a random source. It was the one that kind of gave the landscape that I keep remembering. Sad I dint have my cam at that moment.)

2007-08-08T02:33:00.000+05:30

Equilibrium?

It just started as a thought and then probably went too far. I was walking to school, it was little past noon. I had just crossed two blocks and I was hating the sun glaring all bright at me. I like sunny days but not such hot ones. I wished it would rain soon, I know it would and I just thought of the lake with all the vapours rising high to form those clouds I was longing so hard to see again. Its happening, without me or anyone else being so aware of it..steadiliy...constantly. We are lost in our own worlds and there's this silent world which keeps running unmonitored.

I was imagining pictures of it in my head now and I saw a blue sea having its silent transaction with the other equally vast blue. Quiet and peaceful...away from all the noises, the rushing and the fighting. Then I saw a small little boat, right in the middle of that huge silence...I didn't see anyone in it but I knew there was something and a weird thought struck me. Probably we all are here to save that thing in the boat. We all struggle in our worlds so that, that thing survives..there in the ocean, in that little boat! All that we are and work for, is somehow mysteriously linked to it. We dont care what it is, but its there and we have to keep going for it.

At that, I got back, all by myself, smiling in the middle of the road. As I moved on, I heard someone in me say, "I dont mind even that for a cause!"

2007-06-15T00:29:00.000+05:30

Interpretations

I posted this painting of mine, as my Orkut profile pic sometime back and since then I've been collecting its interpretations from various people. Most of them are quiet technical, quite natural, knowing that most of my friends have an engineering background. Some are imaginative, some hilarious! But whats exciting about it is... the way different eyes can conceive it and associate so many different meanings with it!
Here's a list of them ranked according to their frequency (not putting in my original thought when I made it. Most of you know it by now) Enjoy...

An idiotic painting (very true! :D)
Cupboard (crude, quite close though)
Building with bricks (carried away a bit by the presentation)
Some carpentry (influenced by colors and texture probably)
Pillars (due to line strokes I guess)
Painted Glass hues (quite artistic)
Boat/Ship upturned (wild thought..quite interesting though)
Bamboos (hehehe...that was awesome!)
Sofa - top view (engineer's mind... or is it someone lost in furniture world :P)
Old 1950's radio, with wooden legs and a broken antenna (thats interesting again)
Top view of a sloping roof house with the sun's reflection coming directly on top (I am really not sure if I understand 'sun's reflection...' :P)
With head tilted to the right, looks like a factory with chimneys, surrounded by a yellow wall - some German factory (people like to tilt a lot...)
Radiator of a car (No clue..)

2007-06-05T04:41:00.000+05:30

Creativity of the Subconscious...(5)
War
I am at some beach...happily enjoying the cool sea breeze. Actually, we (me and my friends...cant remember who all..) are playing with a huge yellow colored ball....cracking jokes, having fun. Somehow I missed a catch and the ball went into the water...with the waves it just drifted away. I thought I lost it..but only for a moment. With the next wave it was back! I threw it back into the waves..again the same thing!
I liked this game better!! It was me vs the Sea! The idea itself was thrilling! I threw the ball again into the waters...with waves it was gone. I waited..all excited! Here it came again..Oh my! its a big one! "Thats interesting!" I ran a little and just managed to get away from the splash. "Hey!!" I said to my new playmate, "cudn't really get me!!! tch tch tch" and I threw the ball again into the water.
I was again waiting..this time it was taking longer...I couldn't see the ball yet. I was anxious now...whats happening? I wanted to see far...I climbed up a nearby rock..."Oh Oh!!! Dont take it seriously! Stop! Stop!"

....and I woke up... all shaken by the grandeur of the sight! I saw a huge mountain like wave building up and marching fast towards the beach...as if my playmate had summoned his entire army to stage a war against me. "You dint have to make it that interesting!" I murmured, getting back to sleep.

2007-05-20T02:12:00.000+05:30

Paradox....

Suspended from a small hook, there it was...belonging to nothing, ready to accept, to believe, wondering at its own (in)sanity. Had it lost all the love for life or was it because of its unbending faith in His code? Surprisingly it was playing dumb today, letting me peek into it, unlike every other day when it drains me out by its continuous orders and commands.

Disassociation was that easy, dint know. Just loosen up the string a little bit... thats what it takes I guess. But then why is that string not always visible? (Oh I know, after all, the vice of Ownership must have taken Him too!)

Its like being planted as an agent in a mesh, to find my own way out. To? For? not known! Just given a means to rely on. Sometimes I feel He had a flawed conception, why play when I don't know what the reward would be.

But still whats amazing is the way Mind keeps making attempts in playing all safe, trying to be always right (when actually what it is supposed to do is just play). The possibilities it presents to itself are so immense that it is busy exploring them and feels that it 'knows'. It becomes a battle-field for hundreds of dependent and not so dependent attributes (I call feelings, passions) and I am left alone to follow the patterns at my own discretion. At no point do I have the knowledge of the so called global state. My decisions are the outcome of a learning system that is just as old as me. Its a fine product but still never complete (Actually in this context "completeness" is just a hypothesis, like Infinity). So it doesn't really matter! There's something bigger, more important which needs attention. I get a glimpse of it (Mind builds the stage again) once in a while but maintaining it takes a lot.

I learnt about this fact long time back. But acceptance doesn't happen that quick. Mind tricks me again into the mesh, closing all doors to itself, on me.

We both are not really two separate entities, but once in a while like that day, when it allows me to gather the real picture, it feels so! And there lies the uniqueness of His game. He gives me a Mind that helps me explore the mesh, when actually I am supposed to explore this Mind (a tiny bit of Him), which holds the key!

(Picture clicked from the Law school porch, Syracuse University)

2007-05-01T20:11:00.000+05:30

असाही यावा दिवस एकदा...

नसावे कुठले बेत आखले,
नसाव्या आठवणी, नसावी स्वप्ने.

पाउल उठता पंख फुटावे,
झेप घेउनी उंच उडावे.

ढग कुठला शोधुनी एकला
त्यावर अल्गद जाउन बसावे.

प्रसन्न झुळूक एक स्पर्शुनी जावी
शुन्य शांतता आत रूजावी.

मिटता डोळे "मी" संपावा
धुके सरुनी प्रकाश दिसावा

तुझ्या डोळ्यांनी मग तुला पहावे
हळूच सारे गूज उल्गडावे!

- श्वेता
(better readable in IE)

2007-02-15T10:07:00.000+05:30

Tamed...

"A part of me is broken and I am silent now. But she likes me... no, loves me! One fine day I get to her and she becomes so fond of me that I cannot part from her. Fantastic! This 'liking' thing... its weird....makes me wonder about the human capacity to feel... to attach...its just amazing! How can one get so associated....so overwhelmed? She owns me, but looks like she is possessed! With every step she takes, I bring in the rythm..the control..the confidence...... "

"Ok enough! dont brag now...ur just my tiny anklet!"

2006-12-05T02:54:00.000+05:30

Transition...

Trying to match my own foot-steps with the rythm of some music ringing in my head, I was trotting towards an unknown destination, when I heard her again. She looked so different today, dressed in all white, she sprinkled the magic of crystals and pearls around. She had a cool new breeze around her, but the eyes were still warm and compassionate. She just smiled at me and I felt the greeting go somewhere deep down inside me, fastening few old knots. "and you thought, I forgot you!" she winked. I just smiled and said, "You look different, but I still like you!"

I remember the last time when I had spoken to her, she was all clad in green, fresh green! She had blessed everything around with tiny little diamonds that just looked mesmerizing. I was almost in tears when I said good-bye to her. Was it the fear of loosing her or just the thought that I wont see her like this again? I can't still make out.

But these are the few moments when I feel real close to something that is pure and vibrant. Everytime we meet, she fills me with a new faith, a faith in the belief called 'Life' and makes me re-discover my love for most graceful of the Truths, the 'Change'!

(Picture taken from Daniel Colvin's online gallery at http://www.colvinart.com/PearlWebSite/index.htm )

2006-12-01T13:04:00.000+05:30

Contradiction..

'Transparent'- there's so many times I come across this word in text and I get annoyed.

In technical terms it means "Invisible. In software, an action is transparent if it takes place without any visible effect." In normal language it means "clear, see-through, translucent, visible!!"

'Transparency (again in software) is considered to be a good characteristic of a system because it shields the user from the system's complexity'. Ok fine...then how the hell can it be called 'transparent'? Who coined this word for the given behavior? He/she should have rightly called it "opaque". For creatures like me, it just adds to confusion!!

2006-11-03T23:34:00.000+05:30

Simplicity in being a coder...

For last few days I was all busy with the Operating systems project, fiddling with various concepts of File systems. Indirect blocking, synchronization, cache operations, it felt as if my whole existence was at stake, get these algorithms running right on time or its the end of everything. Now it sounds funny...but that was the tempo with with which I was struggling day and night, playing the game of 1 and 0!. Ya..thats what it is...a matter of 1 or 0, just two choices! After getting done with the submission, I was then browsing through CNN and TOI, and it struck me, how simple my life is!

I just have to deal with 0s and 1s. I have no ambiguity in terms of what is required, my desired output (we are just talking about well-defined requirements here [;)]), so I have a clear vision of right or wrong. It's therefore no difficult task as compared to complications in other professions. There, the choices are itself unbouded, the problem starts right at the place of defining all of them, forget the matter of choosing the right one. The game no longer remains black or white..it involves all sorts of colors, with varying shades per person. Choices are made on personal prefernces, temporal and situational; non-cooperation creeps in, conflicts arise and the whole set-up turns out into one big chaos.

But then I think, it's not really that complicated. We make it so. Since there are only two possibilities, either right or wrong, it drops down to just two choices. There's actually just "yes" or "no", no "may-be" option at all. "Right" remains universal "Right" and "Wrong" as universal "Wrong". So, the whole world again turns black or white. Does this stand lead to a fair socitey? umm....probably (here I go...contradicting myself! Oh btw, I just realized the importance of a "switch- statement" [:D])

It surely is the basic building block of a fair society, but we can't just get rid of complications...can we? There are lots of situations where it seems like this theory holds no ground (If it was that easy, it would have already become a part of our lives :D). For example, take the profession of a teacher. A teacher has to adopt different strategies of teaching for different types of students. What works for one might not work with the other. So his "right" or "wrong" changes per person. (If you notice, we are just talking about different flavors of "right" here. You know where we'll head, if we start about "wrong"s.) Thus, however hard we try to categorize, exceptions do exist (to correct myself) when we go down to the implementation level, forcing us to incorporate some grey shades. This gives way to further digressions and we land up exactly where we are! The toughest question to answer is who decides what is "universal right" and what is "universal wrong", rather can we actually define these? Unfortunately, we have no Oracle here. It looks like we are just left on our own to figure it out. Decide for yourself and go on.

Hah! Giving it a thought, its actually commendable that even after being chaotic, partially cooperating, partially competing or conflicting - whatever you call it, this system is still somehow self-balancing and therefore persistent. The more I think about it, the more I get amazed. We made it and we run it! I guess, the zest to exist, that breathes in all of us is the actual power source for this system. Hats off to our spirits that hold high above all complications!

2006-09-10T05:39:00.000+05:30

Creativity of the Subconscious...(4)
Gist
We are all on a sea shore, Mom-dad, Akshay and me. I am getting ready to get into the waters...I say fare-well and I plung into the blues. I am swimming as if I have just learnt and having a good time.Suddenly the water starts turning black, oily, greesy...its becoming hard for me to move ahead...its almost about to get into my nose and mouth...something's pulling me down..I try, try to lift myself, raise my hands and flap them...suddenly with some magical force I take a long stride,I am flying! Literally flying...I was so amazed, surprised!!! I was loving it! Like a happy bird..I went on...contented with myself..I was feeling the cool sea-breeze around me...then after a while I started flying towards earth, I could now see my parents and Akshay...and then I had a smooth landing just next to them.
Its been years now but I still remember this distinctly. It was by far the best one! The tranquility, the joy that I felt for those few moments all alone in the sky and that cozy feeling I got when I again touched the ground, with my family smiling at me, was just mesmerizing! Perfect in symbolism, it leaves me in bliss whenever I think about it.

2006-09-10T04:49:00.000+05:30

Creativity of the Subconscious...(3)
When I was paired
I am travelling in a bus, through a very beautiful country side..probably somewhere in Kerala...all those tall Coconut trees, lush green forests...streams flowing on either sides once in a while...Wow! Almost like Heaven!
The bus finally stops in front of a huge building...I am the only one to get down I guess...I got down and walked inside the building taking the stairs surrounded by stylish glass work...what is Rushabh doing here..that too in food-services t-shirt...I walk up...oh my God! The entire Haven crew!!! I look at my clothes..me too in food-services t-shirt! (I wished I had not compared my trip to heaven!)
What are we doing here? And how come no one's working? Then I was suddenly called up and placing my hand in this guy's hand, she said, "here u go..u found a partner!"
What? I looked at her and then at this guy, who's this creature? and what in the world is happening here? Then I was told that we were all going for a trip and in pairs. What? I was close to a heart stroke! What is all this crazy stuff...everyone was running from one place to another...looking at all the beautiful things around, which no longer were beautiful for me....I am just irritated! Drastic mood change! This anonymous creature is trying to walk with me and I run ahead...everytime! How stupid of them to plan such things, but Haven it is [:P].
Finally he calls my name...I am far off....I turn and all I remember was, he had green eyes.

2006-09-10T04:08:00.000+05:30

Creativity of the Subconscious...(2)
Collage
We are waiting for this guy to join us. Mom's as usual worrying about time and things yet to be done..me, Masi and Akshay are generally having a lousy conversation...suddenly it strikes to Akshay that he should wait a little ahead for Sameer and so we both start walking down the hill....I am happy its downhill, everyday walking all the way up, I never used to understand what made Gaurav choose this stupid location for Saba office..."Sameer should have understood which one rite", Akshay asked..."Tunga International or Tunga Palace....Oh there he is, Sameer..oye wait!" "Oh damn why this truck in between now...oh good, he saw us"..."dude!..this way"..."Ashu dont run...Akshay hold him!"
Damn! What was that...what was my family doing at Marol-depo? We have absolutely no business there...All I know is my last office was at the end of that road..all the way up the hill. Why such a sequence, totally unrelated, that too a year after I left the place? It was some kind of family affair, but I chose, of all, this street for its location. Why? I thought, I used to hate this road. Strange!

2006-09-10T02:54:00.000+05:30

Creativity of the Subconscious...(1)
Past few nights I have been dreaming a lot...the fact that I've got a lot of free time this sem, I guess, has sunk in too far, more than required! My dreams these days have been amazing, if put together might just beat any Quentin Tarantino creations in terms of abstractions [:P]

The night when I was almost killed!
There's someone near my window...I hear something..was it just a shadow, no someone's there. Oh my God! seriously, someone's there..should I get up and see..cant even get up..he's too close to the window, did he see me?
Before I could think anything, I hear firing- not once, but twice, thrice, continuous sparks coming out of the hole made in my glass window...I was shocked!!! Not even a pistol, machine gun!!!! If I was siting on my chair now...I would have already reached a different world!! Oh God!! Can't even scream...did he see me...my bed's just next to the window...what if he see's me...if he..Oh here he goes...his head turns slightly and he is now looking directly into my eyes!!!!! Thud!
shha...I got up, what a bad timing! In a way relieved to find myself still in this world, I looked at the window..still in doubts..checked if all my curtains were shut, window closed and again lied down. It was my second night in this room, actually first after shifting my bed close to the window....and this came almost like a surprise. Never ever did such a thought strike me, when I changed the arrangement. Interesting! It lasted just for few seconds but made me shit scared! I dint think why? who? all that reasoning was blown out with the very first shot..all I could feel was tension, the closeness to that final moment. It is horrifying to wait for it, when you know for sure that it will strike you any time. Believe me, I would have died even before the bullet struck me.

2006-08-15T21:55:00.000+05:30

Letter to Paritrana....

With years, I have come to believe that there is a major flaw in our teachings. We are taught to help the poor, the oppressed, because they are needy, helpless. They too are made to believe in it and taught to live on sympathy. What is more horrifying is that the helplessness breathes in them rite from childhood. Instead of trying to come up, they themselves cut down all their hopes to better future. Being poor is not wrong, whats wrong is self pity. This is the highest evil. More than any political corruption, the corruption of mind and soul is highly dangerous. It defies man's only purpose to exist.

Our current system, instead of fostering confidence and self respect, helps in fastening the roots of this invisible corruption. With all the quota systems and special facilities, it encourages poor to remain poor and vulgarly display more and more of their incapabilities. What Ayn Rand portrays in her "The Anthem" is slowly happening to all of us.

We need to change our moto. Instead of saying, "we are here to help the poor" we need to say, "We are here, to help them help themselves!" We need to guide them to understand their capabilities, rejuvanate their self esteem. They need to internally realize that they should not live on charity. Why should another man strive for someone else? If each person lives to support his own family, without interferring in any other person's life negatively, most of the problems shall be resolved. The whole social system is structured on this basic principle of give and take. Variations in economic statuses are bound to exist (we all know what happened with Russia) but that doesn't necessarily mean that poor need to be looked down with sympathy. They can be helped, but should not be made to live like parasites.

"They take the first step and we are here to help", this feeling needs to be propagated. "Self respect", in its true meaning and power needs to be kindled in all those hopeless hearts. We need to build a country thats free of all shame and embarasement. Even a poor person should earn his daily bread, live with a rightful dream of betterment and take pride in his being.

Definitely change has to take effect, lets start from the very core, The Indian soul!

2006-07-23T10:40:00.000+05:30

Dear friend Deepak...

Hey I miss you. Its been a while, I've not spoken to you and today I couldn't get away with those floating memories; had to cage them in words.

Right from our junior KG we've been together, and you've been a darling since then. I guess our senior classes where actually the days when we both realised how much we have in common and how strong the bond has grown. Remember those 10th grade group D questions, how we used to struggle with them, discussing them whole day at school and then on phones from home...[:D]. They were cool! and those chess games, those times when we used to go around meeting professors to start the tutions, those freak out times, tensions, those "put some sense in my head" doses (I was a champ in that![:P]). Remember that day (our 12th) , I had come to your place, woke you up, had breakfast with you and it was after 2 tutions that you realized that it was my birthday! Then on 31st you had come to my place in the with choclates and that whole episode of "take one for my birthday, now take one more coz I forgot your birthday, take one more coz I dint get you a gift..."

You know what, you dont have to give me one, coz You are the gift! I know this is weird, we never had this senti talk and you'll laugh at this...("kya filmi dialog maar rahi hai!!") But its not the first time I felt so..when first time I got away from home, I was in hostel, I used to miss you. There have been many more occasions when I thought "I wish Deepak was here!" Its strange, we have never actually spoken so much to each other in person about what we think and what's going on in our private lives. It was always a practical and material talk! But we always remembered each other, wherever we were, in good times or bad!

I remember my Mom speaking to an aunty one day, "I am just amazed by their friendship!". I couldn't stop smiling! It is truely amazing, two people from totally different family backgrounds, who chose different professions to get on in life, are still holding on to each other with a bond that requires no definition at all!

It never occured to me that its a boy-girl friendship...it was so very natural! I am surprised when generally people take such things the other way. You speak to someone, you find certain things in common, you get along well..but that doesn't really have to be always a "love"-relationship. I speak to a lot of guys, spend lot of time with them, count some as actually good friends and I do care about them. But it doesn't mean they are my "boy-friends" (though Aseem, my friend here at Syracuse likes to maintain a list of all such boy-friends of mine). I dont even know how in the first place that word gained its current meaning.

I had this debate with Aseem once. As he said, in a way its nothing wrong if people take it that way, that is natural, I understand. But the astonishing fact is that, this thought is so strong that some actually convince themselves that there cant be any other relationship that a boy and a girl can share together. Come on! Its a bond, that develops naturally and needs no categorization. It can happen to any two persons. Age, sex no bars! I am not the first person mentioning this. There have been tons of movies and real life episodes. But in general, in reality, hardly few actually see it..and that is disturbing! I have observed this, experienced this..if a boy does something good for a girl, going a little out of way, or tries to help her out with something, she starts getting suspicious...and there are always people around to ask, "Why is he being so good to you haan? [;)]". This is true even vice a versa. Most of the times I agree he/she is actually doing it with the same intentions. But sometimes I have seen, its just because you feel like doing it. Sometimes you talk to a person because you just feel comfortable opening up to him/her. Sometimes its just because you admire a person or you just like a person, nothing beyond that! Its such a beautiful and tender feeling, I cant even describe it, it feels as if, it will lose its meaning the moment I put it in words. You know, its something similar to what you feel when you are alone standing in your balcony, looking at the sky...the same pleasant feeling, soothing and assuring!

I totally agree that its the nature's law that men and women are bound to get attracted to each other in that very special way (after all they together share the burden of keep rolling, the wheels of this world [:D]). Even that is wonderful! But its also so very important to cherish this another subtle gift of nature! It shall be another way of showing how much we love and respect all that is good and pure!

I am glad to have that abstarct precious feeling real and alive!
Cheers to our friendship!

2006-07-20T18:25:00.000+05:30

Longing for excitment...

Ya, thats what it is. Every morning I get up and thats what I look for, the attraction point of the day. Its a great day ahead if something interesting is about to happen (or I am expecting to happen) otherwise its just another day. For me, the might of a day is judged on the basis of how exciting and fruitful it is or was. Accomplishments, adventures, surprises make up for the best ones. The more I get these, the better life gets. If I think for a while, its sounds so funny...the whole point of 'being' should hang on to just a tiny thread!

Sometimes I feel its wrong. Life shouldn't hang on to something. It should be a force that drives itself. The truth of existence should be open and independent. The fact, so transparent, that needs no explaination. It should be an end in itself with the ultimate answer to all quests. But in reality (I dont know whats 'real' anymore) it is tinted with all sorts of interpretations and has been paralysed to depend on innumerable ideologies.

But a tiny part of it is still pure and burning in all of us. Thats the one, I guess that pops up everyday. Its a small thread, I know, but it has enough strength to bind all my pieces together and make me go on. He who created this whole facade and left me no clues to reason, shall see me, powered by this tiny flame, lay my tiny pebbles to lead me towrads the Final one!

2006-06-26T18:44:00.000+05:30

Expectations...

I was told, "living upto someone's expectations is a real tough task.." and with years adding to my friendship with life, this belief is getting stronger each day. Sometimes I get a feel that this friendship itself is too demanding!

Right from the time you open your eyes, early morning, the mesh of expectations starts building a fresh new thread. You expect your day to be good and interseting. You expect to reach on time and catch the bus. You stand in the ticket line and the person behind you expects that you get done with your stuff as quickly as possible while the one at the counter expects you have the right change and your day begins....There are countless tasks to be accomplished and hence there are countless encounters with different people from different faculties of interests. Each interaction builds up a relationship which has varying degrees of expectations.

The few of these that we are really aware of (or rather are kept aware of) are the ones from our loved ones: family, friends, teachers, bosses (not really fit into 'loved ones category :D ) and I guess that's almost natural in all "humans". The more we know a person there's an unspoken bond that gets stronger by the time and we never realise when we actually start "expecting" out of that relationship. Infact most of them originate on the very foundation of expectation...some realistic some not so realistic.

Normally we are so used to this way of life that we dont even realise it to be the way it is. Its only when these expectations conflict and we have to deal with the pressure, that we start feeling the chain tightening around us. The real tough times are those when Your interests and someone else's expectations collide. There's always a question of either this or that and we wish these words "choice or choose" never existed! We struggle our ways out, sometimes being smart enough to find a trade-off but sometimes its just a feeling of helplessness that stays behind and life goes on..

Leave aside dealings with the world outside, the saying goes perfect with the world within. Doesn't the 'I' expect a lot from 'Me'? I think, the struggle is tougher and more consuming in this inner world. Its me against me. No choice is good enough and nothing gets better. Its like, the more you love yourself the more you hate yourself. You gauge yourself against your own scale and you always have this eternal scope for there are no real boundaries! Thats why probably I find myself completing the statement "...but its tougher to live upto one's own expectations!"